Saturday, May 21, 2011 9:27 PM
Enough of this passive agressive shit.
I generally prefer to keep my posts short and vague with lots of hidden meaning unknown to everybody including myself. Everything is skewed in my personal struggle to look complicated. It's not worth much, but this is one post that will contain 100% honesty.
Hey, your life sucks sometimes. But mine sucks too. So shut up.
My fellow angsty teens, if nothing else, we can all be comrades in misery. We all feel it and there's not much of a point in having a "my life sucks more than yours" competition. We really raise the bar against each other in our competition for pity. You'd think reading a person's blog, their personal thoughts and feelings, would make you more sympathetic to their problems but most of the case that simply isn't so. Everything becomes so exaggerated as we wallow in pity. It's like we're pigs rolling in our own filth. And we're damn proud of it.
Here's what irks me lately: failure.
We all have different definitions of success, but mine is essentially being somebody I would want my family to be proud of. Somebody who achieves not only academically, but in the social realm as well. To put it stupidly, I want good grades and I want to be liked. Don't we all? Being the dumb kid feels terrible, but to be the kid that always needs help is embarrassing so most people just find it easier to have lower standards. Make no mistake, I'm a total moron. You want to see some Cs, Ds, or Fs? I've got them all. But my friends who consistently study inspire me to do better.
This year, I've made huge progress in comparison to last year. But whenever I get a shitty grade, it still feels god awful. Going back to square one. Hard work down the crapper. And who is there to blame? Nobody but myself.
This whole failure sucking thing doesn't just go with grades though. I also got rejected from the Central Times as a photographer. The literary magazine also didn't accept any of my work. Some people who use cameras as paperweights post a photo and get tons of comments and likes. I don't really understand why, but I know I'm not good. People don't like my photos even though I don't feel inferior when I compare myself to some of the accepted shots. That depresses me considerably. I'd like to think I'm not so terrible that people can beat me with half assed attitudes. But hey, maybe that's just me being arrogant.
In terms of being a social butterfly, I've pretty much accepted that I can't/won't ever be that kid that everybody adores. Nonetheless. it still pisses me off when people don't like me or even talk badly about me when they know nothing about me. If I'm just that random kid in your class, how do you even have anything to talk about me? But here's my recent story, a girl I actually went out of my way to be nice to, to include, to help even though I didn't want to because I was scared... She told people she doesn't like me. Fuck you bitch. You don't need to be my BFF but you should at least recognize I'm doing something for your sake. Especially since I told you I was scared too. But you just don't care, do you.
Sleep, grades, friends.
It's a famous cliche that you can pick two and I picked sleep and grades. Although I realistically didn't get that much sleep or get stellar grades because there's a fourth realm in the equation: worthless shit.
Oh, badminton. I think people overestimate how much the sport means to me because I don't honestly know if I like it or not. This year was not fun for me. Going back to the failure as a social butterfly thing, I was just awkward with a team I didn't know very well. I didn't want to come off as obnoxious, so instead I just came off as an introvert. Great. I don't think a lot of people understand how it feels to be with a team and still be alone. Think I'm exaggerating? I'm talking about sitting by myself at 7 hour tournaments, sitting in the front by myself on bus rides, not talking to anybody, listening to music.
Don't you think that sounds at least a little bit rough?
Well if you don't, maybe you're just a stronger person than me because I hated it more than anything else.
But now badminton is over, and it seems that hermit-crab-mode is still persisting. It's hard to talk to relatively nobody for a month and a half then go through metamorphosis. There's a gap. If you want to imagine a nice wooden bridge of trust, it's like a huge ass anvil fell through it. Getting around the hole is a bit difficult, and for some people I'm not sure if it's worth the effort because I'm not the only one whose changed. Doing a metaphorical trust fall and falling hurts too. If I think you're going to drop me, I'm a lot less eager to fall.
And that's basically it. If you read the entire thing, I congratulate you on surviving the word vomit. Somebody once called me perfect, but I'm not perfect in any way, shape, or form. I'm probably just as messed up as you. I get frustrated and cry. I get annoyed.
This is me.
Labels: nicolee